Does he like me? Can he hang with my family & friends? Can I take him around my colleagues? What do we have in common? Am I in like, lust, or infactuation? Is he marriage material? Does he understand my work? Does he know my name? Am I ready to settle down? Am I just too picky?
More often than not I find these questions popping up all over the place. I usually try to fight the feeling, focusing on my spiritual walk, work, and anything else that can keep me from flirting with temptation. Unfortunately, I am human, meaning flesh gives in and the strong desires of my heart leave me going back into the war zone of dating in search of that special someone. I usually act too fast, figure it out in the midst, and walk away being hurt or being the one to do the hurting. The routine gets old fast, and you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now. Sadly, we're all mistaken!
When I travel the road of the single life, doing my thing, some people look at me like I have three heads. They question me and want to know my reasons for not having someone in my life: What's wrong with you? They try to determine why I am not sad and sitting around sobbing or out there in search like some mad hunter that must get its prey. I think I've covered this topic in another entry (smile).
I am at an age where I feel I am surrounded by many who have found love, are married, have families and are intoxicated in the concept of two lives now being one. I became excited tonight when even my pastor announced his own engagement, but couldn't help think that even my dear pastor's found that "special" someone. Am I not showing up at the right places???
It comes down to priorities (and God's timing of course). I need to determine what I want. The last few guys I have dated have informed me that my priority is not on my love life and getting married but on work and getting my professional goals out of the way. I see their points.
So tonight as I type I realize I have decisions to make. I had vowed to "kiss dating goodbye" until I was truly committed to the idea of a commitment that could open the door to more. The well certainly isn't dry, so I have to face that question of: what are you waiting for? Admittedly, there is fear. However, I am not putting this entry down for solicited advice or words of encouragement. It's more of a confirmation to self of what is in store on the road ahead. Decisions to make...
On a side, I love the quiet walk my pastor has taken in this courtship and now public announcement. It's a short engagement with a marriage that will occur this Saturday including only the most important people in their lives to share in the event. Understandably, I know this is not his first marriage so perhaps it makes sense not to have something big; however, the courtship has been one that has made its own developments without a scene, acknowledging its time and presence. I love it, and it makes me joyous on so many levels. These actions have helped me in my own personal growth. I joke that I will get married in Las Vegas and just pop up one day to casually share my great news. There is truth in joking. And, it's certainly not to down play the blessing of the event, but I know there's more to this crazy thought of mine than I let on...
In closing, the love boat's a'rockin' & this nun is trying hard not to get tossed into the sea of NONE. (LOL!)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
One Too Many Times...
You can tell me all you'd like that it's about heritage and that it's no big thing, but every time I see the confederate flag I am reminded of a history that destroyed people that look like me and still find us inferior. So you can imagine how I've been feeling a little more recently with the showings of this sign of "heritage."
Don't get me wrong. I grew up in a town where kids I walked down the hall with, ate with, laughed with wore such shirts. They rocked the sign on their monster trucks and were affectionately known as (proud) rednecks. I didn't feel hate, per se. But I tried never to make an issue of it either...And I was not alone. It was what it was.
This weekend I was intentionally enjoying idle time, watching a little trash television with wholesome naps in between. If you recall, my "trash" t.v. is that good ol' reality stuff. There's this show on cable where young ppl are engaged and getting married. In 30 minutes viewers watch the drama from the family and complications/obstables of the couple as they prepare to marry. This particular episode was a live show with the couple getting married in Times Square. They had done some taping prior to the show and were flashing to their homes when in the background of one shot I see this HUGE confederate flag pinned up on the wall. And, I have one of those "ah ha" moments: Why on earth am I watching this? Supporting these two that have likely used the "N" word and don't know anything about people that look like me...and likely don't want to know...
I turned the channel disgusted and Lifetime became the channel for the weekend. Well, on Monday evening I'm feeling awfully good about my craving for salad. I drive over to Chick-fil-A and get one of their garden salads. As I am pulling out, I am now behind this tight two seater, but clear as day is not one but TWO confederate flag bumper stickers. I become mad with a quickness. WTF???!!! I don't cuss people...really I don't. So feeling this way I knew I needed to calm it down. Luckily, my cell phone rang and I was able to vent and pour out to bring it down -- Thanks, friend!
Anyway, it's kept me in a most reflective mood, and I'm all the more sensitive to everything I see and hear. To end this entry, I leave you with two different links that put a spin or perspective on some things. There is a lot more I want to type just in scratching the surface on youth--black youth--and this topic; however, I must give more than a surface scratching so it'll have to wait for another evening and entry...No fear: it'll come. If not on here, definitely on that dissertation that will give me the title Doctor! LOL...Chew on that.
NOTE: Both of these links are graphic in language and/or content.
Link 1 - O'Reilly's Throwing a Lynching Party:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/star-jones/bill-oreillys-throwing-_b_88115.html?page=10
Link 2 - Abolish the "N" Word
http://www.abolishthenword.com/
Friday, July 25, 2008
Highway to Heaven...or so it seems...
Well, this spring and summer have kept me particularly busy on the weekends...so much that I have been neglecting being in my church on Sundays, Wednesdays, or any other time of the week. I've been in other churches or traveling on Sundays, and I have found myself feeling like a stranger when I enter the parking lot of my church.
In fact, about three weeks ago when I happened to be at my church, one of the women I know looked at me and said, "Hey, you used to work with the cheerleaders, right? You've stopped attending church here. Where are you now?"
I was speechless for a moment, but then explained that I was still a member, but I lived a few towns over with work and travel taking some of my time that had normally been given with the church. It was enough to appease her, but it did not sit well with me. While I love that I attend a large church where I don't get called out or feel like I have to volunteer for every little event, I want to feel like I have a church family that knows what is going on with me--and me them.
My church is about 30 minutes away and gas prices have certainly put a damper on my joy rides across Hampton Roads to worship God. When Vacation Bible School time came, I was just not willing to put in the drive--not after working a 10 hour day and did I mention gas prices? Sadly, my time off from my church has left me praying and reflecting on what I am going to do: to travel and pay gas or not to? That is the question.
When I was in college, I attended a church in town that I enjoyed. The pastor was great, and they had wonderful members. Being a college kiddo, it was great having their support; they watched out for me. The pastor still keeps up with me, and I know I can call on him when I need to talk to someone about things going on in my life. I slowly stopped attending because I felt like I was not getting enough with the message. Soon I began searching for another place to attend and joined the church where I am a member now when my godsister, who was a member, invited me. The church met my needs on a variety of levels. I was going through a major storm in my life that I wanted to be able to deal with without being around those that knew me and could see me at moment of weakness. The church helped largely in my healing process, and I still love it. I just wish I could be there more frequently to serve regularly in a ministry and feel like I was in true fellowship with other believers.
Since being a resident in my current location for 10 years, I have been able to visit and get out to more churches. There is one church where many of my closest friends attend, and I've found myself there more often. The members are so kind and they've had me to participate in their services for a variety of things. I know the students because most of them have attended schools where I've worked or volunteered. They are like family and I've taken to them...I am just not convinced that I want to jump and switch up membership.
This week I even found myself attending their Vacation Bible School. I was not a stranger or just some outsider. I was able to go in to a class and really enjoy the lessons being taught. It was like being home. I know they're praying for my family and for me to come join them *smile*...We'll see...I just know that with gas prices and the cost of living going up something will have to give. My time and energy at work prevent from being able to jump in the car and just travel down the highway; I have to be able to get my spiritual growth.
Perhaps I need to heed my pastor's words that when we move to a new location we find a place to shop, get groceries, work, etc. So, just as we find those things, it is imperative that we also locate a church. I'll keep praying and will see what will happen.
In fact, about three weeks ago when I happened to be at my church, one of the women I know looked at me and said, "Hey, you used to work with the cheerleaders, right? You've stopped attending church here. Where are you now?"
I was speechless for a moment, but then explained that I was still a member, but I lived a few towns over with work and travel taking some of my time that had normally been given with the church. It was enough to appease her, but it did not sit well with me. While I love that I attend a large church where I don't get called out or feel like I have to volunteer for every little event, I want to feel like I have a church family that knows what is going on with me--and me them.
My church is about 30 minutes away and gas prices have certainly put a damper on my joy rides across Hampton Roads to worship God. When Vacation Bible School time came, I was just not willing to put in the drive--not after working a 10 hour day and did I mention gas prices? Sadly, my time off from my church has left me praying and reflecting on what I am going to do: to travel and pay gas or not to? That is the question.
When I was in college, I attended a church in town that I enjoyed. The pastor was great, and they had wonderful members. Being a college kiddo, it was great having their support; they watched out for me. The pastor still keeps up with me, and I know I can call on him when I need to talk to someone about things going on in my life. I slowly stopped attending because I felt like I was not getting enough with the message. Soon I began searching for another place to attend and joined the church where I am a member now when my godsister, who was a member, invited me. The church met my needs on a variety of levels. I was going through a major storm in my life that I wanted to be able to deal with without being around those that knew me and could see me at moment of weakness. The church helped largely in my healing process, and I still love it. I just wish I could be there more frequently to serve regularly in a ministry and feel like I was in true fellowship with other believers.
Since being a resident in my current location for 10 years, I have been able to visit and get out to more churches. There is one church where many of my closest friends attend, and I've found myself there more often. The members are so kind and they've had me to participate in their services for a variety of things. I know the students because most of them have attended schools where I've worked or volunteered. They are like family and I've taken to them...I am just not convinced that I want to jump and switch up membership.
This week I even found myself attending their Vacation Bible School. I was not a stranger or just some outsider. I was able to go in to a class and really enjoy the lessons being taught. It was like being home. I know they're praying for my family and for me to come join them *smile*...We'll see...I just know that with gas prices and the cost of living going up something will have to give. My time and energy at work prevent from being able to jump in the car and just travel down the highway; I have to be able to get my spiritual growth.
Perhaps I need to heed my pastor's words that when we move to a new location we find a place to shop, get groceries, work, etc. So, just as we find those things, it is imperative that we also locate a church. I'll keep praying and will see what will happen.
Friday, July 11, 2008
frivolous fridays
I have always looked forward to my Fridays during the summer. Unlike the normal school year, I work 10+ hour work days, Monday through Thursday, to secure Fridays for an additional day of play, rest and time for myself. (Side: I am convinced that education may be in better shape with longer days of school and three day weekends, but that's just me.)
Today was different from my normal Friday routine of sleeping in and lounging around for a large part of the day. I was up early and dressed by 8:50 AM. Lp had invited me on her day of errands. The twins had swim practice at 8:30 for an hour, and she was going to swing by and get me once they finished up. Lp has 4 kids--the oldest will be a high schooler next year and the youngest are twins that will be seven in the fall.
Well, the crew came for me around 10:30, and then we picked up Lp's sister and journeyed down to Hampton to begin the day of errands.
I enjoy my time with Lp and her family. They've taken me (and my family) in as their own, and they look out for me. The day was so enjoyable even though I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, having gotten home not too long ago.
I think I enjoy my time with them because it does bring back memories of my childhood when my mom and one her closest girlfriends, her kids, and I would have days like this in the summer. We'd venture to Northern Virginia and shop all day, finding summer bargains and getting new stuff for the upcoming school year. The talks, the food, and the findings (of course) were times well spent and so much fun. We had worked hard all year, and this was the time for playing hard. Shopping all day and then getting home to enjoy all the new purchases.
Today wasn't really about enjoying new stuff for me since most of my shopping was done for others, which makes me feel great! It was truly about the friendship and time with people whom mean so much to me. I thank God for today. It gets me excited and looking forward to my family's reunion tomorrow.
Now, I have to work into my summer "smut" reading to truly set my season off; it's almost as necessary as the lighting of the grill, a trip to the beach, or bushel of crabs. I try to get in some educational reading, too, but I just need a few "mindless" reads that will pull me from the idiot box, computer, and work.
It's summer! And, I must not let my realization of time ticking get the best of me because I will surely miss the great things summer brings.
Today was different from my normal Friday routine of sleeping in and lounging around for a large part of the day. I was up early and dressed by 8:50 AM. Lp had invited me on her day of errands. The twins had swim practice at 8:30 for an hour, and she was going to swing by and get me once they finished up. Lp has 4 kids--the oldest will be a high schooler next year and the youngest are twins that will be seven in the fall.
Well, the crew came for me around 10:30, and then we picked up Lp's sister and journeyed down to Hampton to begin the day of errands.
I enjoy my time with Lp and her family. They've taken me (and my family) in as their own, and they look out for me. The day was so enjoyable even though I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, having gotten home not too long ago.
I think I enjoy my time with them because it does bring back memories of my childhood when my mom and one her closest girlfriends, her kids, and I would have days like this in the summer. We'd venture to Northern Virginia and shop all day, finding summer bargains and getting new stuff for the upcoming school year. The talks, the food, and the findings (of course) were times well spent and so much fun. We had worked hard all year, and this was the time for playing hard. Shopping all day and then getting home to enjoy all the new purchases.
Today wasn't really about enjoying new stuff for me since most of my shopping was done for others, which makes me feel great! It was truly about the friendship and time with people whom mean so much to me. I thank God for today. It gets me excited and looking forward to my family's reunion tomorrow.
Now, I have to work into my summer "smut" reading to truly set my season off; it's almost as necessary as the lighting of the grill, a trip to the beach, or bushel of crabs. I try to get in some educational reading, too, but I just need a few "mindless" reads that will pull me from the idiot box, computer, and work.
It's summer! And, I must not let my realization of time ticking get the best of me because I will surely miss the great things summer brings.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Lantern
Dr. Ford,
I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how cool you are. On a journey of darkness, I went to your workshop a few months ago, and you became the lantern guiding me on this path called a career.
The eagerness I had for beginning a doctorate was restored as you spouted out facts that were meaningful and true. Addressing the state of education in this nation, you shared information about children that look like me. While the truth hurt, the passion I once had for this profession lit up within and I was on fire and you knew it. Others may have been offended and not ready for what you had to say, but I thank you for your realness. I thank you for being confident and knowing who you are and what needs to occur in education for the wrongs to be righted. I thank you for not backing down to the one they "show honor to" even if he didn't acknowledge you in the thereafter sessions and meetings...
You gave it! Yes, you stuck it to us while keeping a smile and never skipping a beat. All the while they watched, feeling set up and let down because they could not box you or classify you as they're so used to doing to us. No, they could not get at you because that was not your concern or purpose. But, for a couple of hours you became their worse nightmare: an intelligent black woman with a PhD.
Where do I sign up?!?
So, here's to you, Dr. Donna Ford, for saving my people and restoring in me the dream that equity in education can one day occur. While I am excited for new hopes and accomplishments we never thought we'd live the day to see (i.e., a black presidential candidate), I realize there are many in this world blinded to the setbacks we continue to face that challenge our being and worth on a daily basis. I long for the day when my college alma mater will no longer have to rely on the monies of a legacy that determines the state of its educational program today. They don't care about the impact on all of its customers, nor does progress concern them. They fear its college's reputation.
Where were these concerned philanthropists when the frats ran around in black face and confederate flags during my years there? I am sure they must have been aware of--and found it down right embarrassing when--the KKK society posted signs everywhere about what the "kaucasians" needed. I suppose those issues never would have turned away those giving back because I did not matter. A cross on a yard, a mascot, a sex show were the important matters, but I digress.
Daily, I ask the Lord for wisdom in a world that finds me ignorant, uneducated, and inferior. I've dealt with it my whole life, and it's no different today. One slip up and I know it's accounted to my race, my people, and I cannot recover.
Dr. Donna Ford, you became a lantern, admitting your light ever so bright! You've become the lighthouse I will use to guide me in reaching the goals I have so I can fulfill the purposes I was brought here to accomplish. I pray my best days can match your worse days because I know those days are even dynamic in your world.
One day I will be their worst nightmare; I promise you that. However, it will be worth the fight if it can make an educational impact on our teachers and students. Bring it.
I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how cool you are. On a journey of darkness, I went to your workshop a few months ago, and you became the lantern guiding me on this path called a career.
The eagerness I had for beginning a doctorate was restored as you spouted out facts that were meaningful and true. Addressing the state of education in this nation, you shared information about children that look like me. While the truth hurt, the passion I once had for this profession lit up within and I was on fire and you knew it. Others may have been offended and not ready for what you had to say, but I thank you for your realness. I thank you for being confident and knowing who you are and what needs to occur in education for the wrongs to be righted. I thank you for not backing down to the one they "show honor to" even if he didn't acknowledge you in the thereafter sessions and meetings...
You gave it! Yes, you stuck it to us while keeping a smile and never skipping a beat. All the while they watched, feeling set up and let down because they could not box you or classify you as they're so used to doing to us. No, they could not get at you because that was not your concern or purpose. But, for a couple of hours you became their worse nightmare: an intelligent black woman with a PhD.
Where do I sign up?!?
So, here's to you, Dr. Donna Ford, for saving my people and restoring in me the dream that equity in education can one day occur. While I am excited for new hopes and accomplishments we never thought we'd live the day to see (i.e., a black presidential candidate), I realize there are many in this world blinded to the setbacks we continue to face that challenge our being and worth on a daily basis. I long for the day when my college alma mater will no longer have to rely on the monies of a legacy that determines the state of its educational program today. They don't care about the impact on all of its customers, nor does progress concern them. They fear its college's reputation.
Where were these concerned philanthropists when the frats ran around in black face and confederate flags during my years there? I am sure they must have been aware of--and found it down right embarrassing when--the KKK society posted signs everywhere about what the "kaucasians" needed. I suppose those issues never would have turned away those giving back because I did not matter. A cross on a yard, a mascot, a sex show were the important matters, but I digress.
Daily, I ask the Lord for wisdom in a world that finds me ignorant, uneducated, and inferior. I've dealt with it my whole life, and it's no different today. One slip up and I know it's accounted to my race, my people, and I cannot recover.
Dr. Donna Ford, you became a lantern, admitting your light ever so bright! You've become the lighthouse I will use to guide me in reaching the goals I have so I can fulfill the purposes I was brought here to accomplish. I pray my best days can match your worse days because I know those days are even dynamic in your world.
One day I will be their worst nightmare; I promise you that. However, it will be worth the fight if it can make an educational impact on our teachers and students. Bring it.
With kindest personal regard,
* * *
PS - I will study under you...just show me the money!
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