As I traveled through the valleys and mountains on Saturday headed to a friend/colleague's wedding, I was engulfed with memories of him. The last time I had traveled that route I was with him and hating every moment of the long trip, which could have easily been traveled taking the interstate. It's been years, yet suddenly a sadness came over me and I missed him. I wondered "what ifs" and it was everything in me to avoid having one of those heart-to-hearts during my travels with God about why I was having one of these moments.
I ended things abruptly, preparing for graduate school and knowing that given the past and multitude of confusion and inconsistencies I needed to end things and take time for me. It was sad and hard for us both. Granted, things weren't perfect; it appeared now that all of my inadequacies over that time were surfacing. I saw my faults and how totally difficult I was to be around during that season.
To complicate this whole ordeal, I had to fuss at myself for a moment. Here I was en route to a wedding without the current person I am dating and thinking about someone else...Sigh. I am finding that the older I get, the pickier I am about who I date. It can be anything, but I don't think I am tripping. Really! If "love" or a "spark" hasn't surfaced in the first few months it's likely not going to manifest itself. I think what is most concerning is I have met some really good men. They have jobs, love God, want to be faithful, and are willing to give their time...BUT for whatever reason the feelings just are not mutual. I am present (physically) but my emotions are distant and removed.
One of the major areas of reflection and prayer this season has been relationship(s). God knows my heart and desires. He has brought the right people during this period to talk with me and reveal things. I think I have tried reading the signs, rearranging the signals, and at times just ducking and dodging. However, when you seek Him for something, He will respond.
I complicate my "love" life often and become overwhelmed or guilty when I feel I am in too deep...or even when I'm not in that deep. Who wants to hurt feelings? As a result, I find myself keeping isolated and distant to avoid heartbreak or being the heartbreaker. On another note, though, I have to trust that I am walking willfully in the right direction when I choose to step out of early courtships. The earlier out, the less it hurts (I hope).
So, the idiom "glutton for punishment" rushes through my head as I dealt with the thoughts of this past weekend during my morning prayers and devotions. I'm asking God for something and praying that the request is one that is truly based on the time spent being obedient and steadfast over these 40 days. Either way I know He won't lead me astray.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wee Hour Thinking. Then Rest.
Does walking in darkness provide a logical reason for also choosing to then walk backwards? Too often we allow the setbacks & disadvantages of this life to pave the way for making more excuses. Are we then sabotaging ourselves by creating more obstacles and barriers simply because we can? Thinking it seems the logical, practical thing to do? Cripple myself more???
I've been forced more recently to reflect on my current state. While I'm not where I need to be, I cannot allow myself to walk backwards in the dark simply because I already can't see. No, I determine that walking in darkness can't be the set-up to set me back--not when I have so many resources and supports that could successfully pull me forward, leading me through and out of the darkness.
I keep asking God to show & reveal it to me. I've got silence. But, just maybe He's planting things right in the darkness & asking--needing--me to stop walking backwards.
God helps those who help themselves.
I've been forced more recently to reflect on my current state. While I'm not where I need to be, I cannot allow myself to walk backwards in the dark simply because I already can't see. No, I determine that walking in darkness can't be the set-up to set me back--not when I have so many resources and supports that could successfully pull me forward, leading me through and out of the darkness.
I keep asking God to show & reveal it to me. I've got silence. But, just maybe He's planting things right in the darkness & asking--needing--me to stop walking backwards.
God helps those who help themselves.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Life in the Fast Lane
RIGHT-OF-WAY
Traffic signs, signals, and pavement markings do not always resolve traffic conflicts. A green light, for example, does not resolve the conflict between a car turning left at an intersection while an oncoming car is going straight through. The right-of-way rule helps resolve these kinds of conflicts. They tell the drivers who goes first and who must wait in different situations.
I'm not a bad driver I tell myself. I love to drive, but perhaps I scare those who have to sit in the passenger seat and surrender to my control. I think I got a big head when in driver's ed. I had very little experience when my hands touched the wheel, but my instructor praised me to the highest for how quickly I caught on. She was quite comfortable in the passenger's seat letting me take us all throughout the county and neighboring towns.
So, the other night when headed back to work, I couldn't help but start thinking and doing a self-examination when the woman in the car facing me started shaking her head at me like I had done something terribly wrong. She had a green light, but the turning arrow had disappeared, meaning she had a signal to yield to the oncoming traffic: ME. I was the traffic with the right-of-way. However, she was determined to cross over traffic and had I not slowed myself there surely would have been an accident. I had to put on brakes and offer her the completion of her turn, as she stared me down and offered choice words.
For a moment I felt the need to throw up my hands, honk, and make some gestures to her about looking at the lights; however, my spirit was calmed. I stopped. What if her signal was still showing she had the right-of-way? The car behind her had appeared anxious to turn as well. Was I doing something wrong? No...the cars behind me were continuing as well...How often in life do we miss or misread signals? And, in misinterpreting the signals, are we then shunned, not forgiven or dismissed completely?
Daily, I am in a role where I have to be able to read signals to help resolve conflicts. Those signs help me determine the approach. And, no two situations are typically alike.
I also know that I'm one those who at times falls short of always following the signs that have been put so blatantly and clearly before us to get us safely to our destination. My impatience gets the best of me. Or, I am so caught up in my own thoughts, I neglect paying attention because the route is so routine. In my negligence, I don't want to miss the "signs" planted before me for detours, nor do I want to overlook the scenery because I'm so rushed.
What should have been an annoyance and irritant to me, became a blessing. On the literal level, I was kept from what could have been a bad situation. On a more figurative level, I brought to some revelations on life and reminded that the fast lane doesn't always mean I will make it to the finish line and come out the best.
Cruising. On a Sunday afternoon...and I'll work to be a better cruiser in more areas of my life.
Traffic signs, signals, and pavement markings do not always resolve traffic conflicts. A green light, for example, does not resolve the conflict between a car turning left at an intersection while an oncoming car is going straight through. The right-of-way rule helps resolve these kinds of conflicts. They tell the drivers who goes first and who must wait in different situations.
I'm not a bad driver I tell myself. I love to drive, but perhaps I scare those who have to sit in the passenger seat and surrender to my control. I think I got a big head when in driver's ed. I had very little experience when my hands touched the wheel, but my instructor praised me to the highest for how quickly I caught on. She was quite comfortable in the passenger's seat letting me take us all throughout the county and neighboring towns.
So, the other night when headed back to work, I couldn't help but start thinking and doing a self-examination when the woman in the car facing me started shaking her head at me like I had done something terribly wrong. She had a green light, but the turning arrow had disappeared, meaning she had a signal to yield to the oncoming traffic: ME. I was the traffic with the right-of-way. However, she was determined to cross over traffic and had I not slowed myself there surely would have been an accident. I had to put on brakes and offer her the completion of her turn, as she stared me down and offered choice words.
For a moment I felt the need to throw up my hands, honk, and make some gestures to her about looking at the lights; however, my spirit was calmed. I stopped. What if her signal was still showing she had the right-of-way? The car behind her had appeared anxious to turn as well. Was I doing something wrong? No...the cars behind me were continuing as well...How often in life do we miss or misread signals? And, in misinterpreting the signals, are we then shunned, not forgiven or dismissed completely?
Daily, I am in a role where I have to be able to read signals to help resolve conflicts. Those signs help me determine the approach. And, no two situations are typically alike.
I also know that I'm one those who at times falls short of always following the signs that have been put so blatantly and clearly before us to get us safely to our destination. My impatience gets the best of me. Or, I am so caught up in my own thoughts, I neglect paying attention because the route is so routine. In my negligence, I don't want to miss the "signs" planted before me for detours, nor do I want to overlook the scenery because I'm so rushed.
What should have been an annoyance and irritant to me, became a blessing. On the literal level, I was kept from what could have been a bad situation. On a more figurative level, I brought to some revelations on life and reminded that the fast lane doesn't always mean I will make it to the finish line and come out the best.
Cruising. On a Sunday afternoon...and I'll work to be a better cruiser in more areas of my life.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
DayLIFE Saving Time
The second Sunday in March is the start of Daylight Saving Time for North America. At 2 A.M., we lose an hour of sleep; however, our days become longer in that we have more daylight.
While I hated losing an hour, it is nice to begin leaving out of work with it still appearing to be light outside. This past week will not really count for me since I had to keep later hours in preparation for testing with our eighth graders. And, I cannot stress how glad I am that we do not have to do anymore major testing until May...Yes, it is right around the corner, but I've got a little time. Allow me to enjoy it.
This innovative idea of daylight saving first began with Benjamin Franklin. He created an essay to discuss his thoughts, but not much was really done with the concept. Later, the argument would be propelled by William Willett who created pamphlets to explain to people how they were wasting daylight--particularly during the Spring and Summer months.
So, in my studying and quiet time with God, the concept struck me: DayLIFE Saving.
In this season of Lent and giving up something--in my case the television--we are to insert time of prayer and study in to draw closer to Him. Yes, there is sacrifice involved, but the benefits are worthwhile. I dread the loss of an hour, but appreciate the gaining of lighter, longer evenings. Similarly, I have in some ways dreaded the loss of those things that I have given up for this period of 40 days, but I have truly been blessed with the LIFE saving nuggets of wisdom God has graced me with over the last couple of weeks.
Small moments of time with him are so much greater in the end. I am growing, learning, and better realizing more effective ways to use my time. More so, I am more caught up in remembering powerful verses and positive words that speak to me during the more stressful moments of life. My intake is good although I still need to work on my eating habits!
When you start putting in, you'll stop stressing out (Psalm 71). Meditate on that.
Now, it is off to another exciting week of work. I must get myself ready for rest!
While I hated losing an hour, it is nice to begin leaving out of work with it still appearing to be light outside. This past week will not really count for me since I had to keep later hours in preparation for testing with our eighth graders. And, I cannot stress how glad I am that we do not have to do anymore major testing until May...Yes, it is right around the corner, but I've got a little time. Allow me to enjoy it.
This innovative idea of daylight saving first began with Benjamin Franklin. He created an essay to discuss his thoughts, but not much was really done with the concept. Later, the argument would be propelled by William Willett who created pamphlets to explain to people how they were wasting daylight--particularly during the Spring and Summer months.
So, in my studying and quiet time with God, the concept struck me: DayLIFE Saving.
In this season of Lent and giving up something--in my case the television--we are to insert time of prayer and study in to draw closer to Him. Yes, there is sacrifice involved, but the benefits are worthwhile. I dread the loss of an hour, but appreciate the gaining of lighter, longer evenings. Similarly, I have in some ways dreaded the loss of those things that I have given up for this period of 40 days, but I have truly been blessed with the LIFE saving nuggets of wisdom God has graced me with over the last couple of weeks.
Small moments of time with him are so much greater in the end. I am growing, learning, and better realizing more effective ways to use my time. More so, I am more caught up in remembering powerful verses and positive words that speak to me during the more stressful moments of life. My intake is good although I still need to work on my eating habits!
When you start putting in, you'll stop stressing out (Psalm 71). Meditate on that.
Now, it is off to another exciting week of work. I must get myself ready for rest!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Desiring God: It's in Storage
Before I move into my thoughts for the evening, I should do some small time rambling about the current events of today. I need to have something to look back on and relate to my minute world when I read the archives, so here goes...
Happy Square Root Day! 03.03.09...Yes, we haven't had one of these since 2004, and we won't have another Square Root Day until April 4, 2016. Enjoy it while it's hot. Smile. Yes, my shout out to my loving audience of math geeks.
And, March decided to come in like a lion, hitting us with a whopping 2 inches of snow with ice. Hampton Roads hasn't seen snow in a while, and we were pleasantly showered with the white stuff, giving our teachers and students two days out of school. It's hard to say what tomorrow will bring; I am guessing there won't be any delays and we'll resume with business as usual.
Now, on to my entry's focus for the night. Almost a week ago began the season to most Christians known as Lent. It is a time of reflecting on and reconnecting with our faith. The Lenten season recognizes the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness (or desert) resisting temptation by Satan. The period leads up to the time that would mark Jesus' death and then resurrection from death on Easter Sunday.
So, for this period of 40 days that comes after the nationally marked Fat Tuesday, Christians choose to give up something of significance, signifying Jesus overcoming temptation over his 40 days. It is hoped that in giving up these daily habits we'll be able to replace them with something drawing us closer to God. The time given and devoted to the moments we would be using should be dedicated to prayer and time studying the Word.
I go back to a week ago and am reminded of when I entered into a room with colleagues for a meeting. As we went into the topic of discussion for the gathering, food had been provided along with desserts. When a break was given, some got up to get desserts. Some bags of chocolate were passed around the table. A slight discomfort or tension came over the room as a couple of people politely declined the chocolate. It was enough of a discomfort to comment on if everything was okay, and the response given was sweets had been given up for Lent. Others chimed in that they had done the same, which ushered some other dialogue about what had been sacrificed for this time period.
Truly, my heart should have been leaping with excitement for these shared testimonies of what had been dropped for 40 days. However, I stayed quiet and munched on the goodies. I was quickly taken back to the times of my youth when my Catholic friends would come to school and talk about giving up things for Lent. Up until my 20s, I never really knew that Lent applied to anyone except Catholics. Giving up stuff had never been talked about in any church setting of mine growing up. Of course, Ash Wednesday was discussed and there were many sermons that would take us up to Resurrection Sunday, but that was it.
The conversation brought itself to a quick close as we got back on track and into our session's discussion. Sadly, each time those of us able to eat sweets would, there were those stares of desperation and murmurs from those unable to partake. Was I setting my brothers and sisters back? My bad! Dang, I just wanted to enjoy the goodies.
At the end, I went up to get some leftovers to take home and was greeted by the presenter for the hour. She made small talk with me and then commented that it was evident that I had not given up any of the items that graced us at the table. I felt trapped like I needed to disclose to her what I had given up--she asked directly. So, I politely shared, which ignited more opinions that were friendly and genuine enough. I excused myself and thanked her again for a most productive session, yet my heart was heavy.
Again, I could not get excited about the habits that had been shared at the meeting. And, I think what disturbed me the most was maybe that any other time I would not have been able to determine the faith walk of those before me. I had never been greeted before by any of them with "Jesus" conversation. Justifiably so, I get that there is a separation between church and state. Smile. But couldn't there be some indicator: something on the inside working on the outside? That could perhaps alert me to the fact that there was something different about those who are faith walker? That they were believers? Was I equally guilty?
I suppose I type all of this to just make the simple reminder about the purpose of the Lenten season. A good friend reminded me of this earlier in the week, and I am grateful: In this time of Lent, remember that it's not about what's given up, but what we do in place of the thing(s) given up. We can brag about not eating something, but it means nothing if it is not drawing us closer to Him. The process of Lent and sacrifice is different for a 10 year old than for a 30 or 50 year old.
My prayer is that desiring God would not be something we place in storage only to dust off and utilize when convenient. Each day His mercies are new and His love never ceases to amaze. Whether you've decided to participate in the act of sacrifice for 40 days or carry on with your regular ways of life, take a moment to taste and see how good our God is. When life gets you down and you feel overwhelmed with daily punches and hits of this world, know that there is a bigger picture and higher calling. More so, though, don't get so caught up that you cannot enjoy the present state of what is before us today. There are many things to rejoice over and enjoy. It becomes too easy to let life's tasks move us into robotics. Taking time to spend with Him may bring the peace and joy you never knew could exist.
On this historical day in 09, Square Root Day, may a piece of your heart start cleaning out some space to give yourself the room to desire the Most High.
Happy Square Root Day! 03.03.09...Yes, we haven't had one of these since 2004, and we won't have another Square Root Day until April 4, 2016. Enjoy it while it's hot. Smile. Yes, my shout out to my loving audience of math geeks.
And, March decided to come in like a lion, hitting us with a whopping 2 inches of snow with ice. Hampton Roads hasn't seen snow in a while, and we were pleasantly showered with the white stuff, giving our teachers and students two days out of school. It's hard to say what tomorrow will bring; I am guessing there won't be any delays and we'll resume with business as usual.
Now, on to my entry's focus for the night. Almost a week ago began the season to most Christians known as Lent. It is a time of reflecting on and reconnecting with our faith. The Lenten season recognizes the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness (or desert) resisting temptation by Satan. The period leads up to the time that would mark Jesus' death and then resurrection from death on Easter Sunday.
So, for this period of 40 days that comes after the nationally marked Fat Tuesday, Christians choose to give up something of significance, signifying Jesus overcoming temptation over his 40 days. It is hoped that in giving up these daily habits we'll be able to replace them with something drawing us closer to God. The time given and devoted to the moments we would be using should be dedicated to prayer and time studying the Word.
I go back to a week ago and am reminded of when I entered into a room with colleagues for a meeting. As we went into the topic of discussion for the gathering, food had been provided along with desserts. When a break was given, some got up to get desserts. Some bags of chocolate were passed around the table. A slight discomfort or tension came over the room as a couple of people politely declined the chocolate. It was enough of a discomfort to comment on if everything was okay, and the response given was sweets had been given up for Lent. Others chimed in that they had done the same, which ushered some other dialogue about what had been sacrificed for this time period.
Truly, my heart should have been leaping with excitement for these shared testimonies of what had been dropped for 40 days. However, I stayed quiet and munched on the goodies. I was quickly taken back to the times of my youth when my Catholic friends would come to school and talk about giving up things for Lent. Up until my 20s, I never really knew that Lent applied to anyone except Catholics. Giving up stuff had never been talked about in any church setting of mine growing up. Of course, Ash Wednesday was discussed and there were many sermons that would take us up to Resurrection Sunday, but that was it.
The conversation brought itself to a quick close as we got back on track and into our session's discussion. Sadly, each time those of us able to eat sweets would, there were those stares of desperation and murmurs from those unable to partake. Was I setting my brothers and sisters back? My bad! Dang, I just wanted to enjoy the goodies.
At the end, I went up to get some leftovers to take home and was greeted by the presenter for the hour. She made small talk with me and then commented that it was evident that I had not given up any of the items that graced us at the table. I felt trapped like I needed to disclose to her what I had given up--she asked directly. So, I politely shared, which ignited more opinions that were friendly and genuine enough. I excused myself and thanked her again for a most productive session, yet my heart was heavy.
Again, I could not get excited about the habits that had been shared at the meeting. And, I think what disturbed me the most was maybe that any other time I would not have been able to determine the faith walk of those before me. I had never been greeted before by any of them with "Jesus" conversation. Justifiably so, I get that there is a separation between church and state. Smile. But couldn't there be some indicator: something on the inside working on the outside? That could perhaps alert me to the fact that there was something different about those who are faith walker? That they were believers? Was I equally guilty?
I suppose I type all of this to just make the simple reminder about the purpose of the Lenten season. A good friend reminded me of this earlier in the week, and I am grateful: In this time of Lent, remember that it's not about what's given up, but what we do in place of the thing(s) given up. We can brag about not eating something, but it means nothing if it is not drawing us closer to Him. The process of Lent and sacrifice is different for a 10 year old than for a 30 or 50 year old.
My prayer is that desiring God would not be something we place in storage only to dust off and utilize when convenient. Each day His mercies are new and His love never ceases to amaze. Whether you've decided to participate in the act of sacrifice for 40 days or carry on with your regular ways of life, take a moment to taste and see how good our God is. When life gets you down and you feel overwhelmed with daily punches and hits of this world, know that there is a bigger picture and higher calling. More so, though, don't get so caught up that you cannot enjoy the present state of what is before us today. There are many things to rejoice over and enjoy. It becomes too easy to let life's tasks move us into robotics. Taking time to spend with Him may bring the peace and joy you never knew could exist.
On this historical day in 09, Square Root Day, may a piece of your heart start cleaning out some space to give yourself the room to desire the Most High.
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