Spring Break

It only comes once a year, and you want to use it wisely without over or under doing any of the free moments and days given. I can't believe it's already Tuesday. How did we get to this point?!?

This morning I allowed myself the chance to sleep in a bit. I upped, showered, and got dressed after my phone blasted me with morning texts and email messages. I made my way to work with a pep in step and ready to tackle the few tasks on my to-do list for my last day in the office. I was somewhat successful, but the reality is my mind kept wandering...

Perhaps, I am in one of those arrogant, presumptuous seasons right now. I have an urge to be bold and act. I have had these inklings before. Typically, to act or jump on doing the thing that is in mind, I find there is some success in the outcome; however, the anxiety or reserve in me is screaming "NO, K! Absolutely not! Sit back and just be still."

Not my will, but His.

I suppose I want something badly. I want it and I want to begin living (again) today. I have been denying my flesh in so many ways over the last 40 days in pursuit of certain things in my life. I diligently sought God in gaining understanding about things.

With much anticipation I have waited for this final week, Passion or Holy Week, knowing something would come from it. So, last night at church the pastor spoke on celebration in pain. I know when I move into the point of my celebration, there will be some pain that will come.

No pain. No gain...Didn't I use these words in another entry not so long ago???

Glutton for Punishment, Perhaps?

As I traveled through the valleys and mountains on Saturday headed to a friend/colleague's wedding, I was engulfed with memories of him. The last time I had traveled that route I was with him and hating every moment of the long trip, which could have easily been traveled taking the interstate. It's been years, yet suddenly a sadness came over me and I missed him. I wondered "what ifs" and it was everything in me to avoid having one of those heart-to-hearts during my travels with God about why I was having one of these moments.

I ended things abruptly, preparing for graduate school and knowing that given the past and multitude of confusion and inconsistencies I needed to end things and take time for me. It was sad and hard for us both. Granted, things weren't perfect; it appeared now that all of my inadequacies over that time were surfacing. I saw my faults and how totally difficult I was to be around during that season.

To complicate this whole ordeal, I had to fuss at myself for a moment. Here I was en route to a wedding without the current person I am dating and thinking about someone else...Sigh. I am finding that the older I get, the pickier I am about who I date. It can be anything, but I don't think I am tripping. Really! If "love" or a "spark" hasn't surfaced in the first few months it's likely not going to manifest itself. I think what is most concerning is I have met some really good men. They have jobs, love God, want to be faithful, and are willing to give their time...BUT for whatever reason the feelings just are not mutual. I am present (physically) but my emotions are distant and removed.

One of the major areas of reflection and prayer this season has been relationship(s). God knows my heart and desires. He has brought the right people during this period to talk with me and reveal things. I think I have tried reading the signs, rearranging the signals, and at times just ducking and dodging. However, when you seek Him for something, He will respond.

I complicate my "love" life often and become overwhelmed or guilty when I feel I am in too deep...or even when I'm not in that deep. Who wants to hurt feelings? As a result, I find myself keeping isolated and distant to avoid heartbreak or being the heartbreaker. On another note, though, I have to trust that I am walking willfully in the right direction when I choose to step out of early courtships. The earlier out, the less it hurts (I hope).

So, the idiom "glutton for punishment" rushes through my head as I dealt with the thoughts of this past weekend during my morning prayers and devotions. I'm asking God for something and praying that the request is one that is truly based on the time spent being obedient and steadfast over these 40 days. Either way I know He won't lead me astray.

Wee Hour Thinking. Then Rest.

Does walking in darkness provide a logical reason for also choosing to then walk backwards? Too often we allow the setbacks & disadvantages of this life to pave the way for making more excuses. Are we then sabotaging ourselves by creating more obstacles and barriers simply because we can? Thinking it seems the logical, practical thing to do? Cripple myself more???

I've been forced more recently to reflect on my current state. While I'm not where I need to be, I cannot allow myself to walk backwards in the dark simply because I already can't see. No, I determine that walking in darkness can't be the set-up to set me back--not when I have so many resources and supports that could successfully pull me forward, leading me through and out of the darkness.

I keep asking God to show & reveal it to me. I've got silence. But, just maybe He's planting things right in the darkness & asking--needing--me to stop walking backwards.

God helps those who help themselves.

Life in the Fast Lane

RIGHT-OF-WAY
Traffic signs, signals, and pavement markings do not always resolve traffic conflicts. A green light, for example, does not resolve the conflict between a car turning left at an intersection while an oncoming car is going straight through. The right-of-way rule helps resolve these kinds of conflicts. They tell the drivers who goes first and who must wait in different situations.

I'm not a bad driver I tell myself. I love to drive, but perhaps I scare those who have to sit in the passenger seat and surrender to my control. I think I got a big head when in driver's ed. I had very little experience when my hands touched the wheel, but my instructor praised me to the highest for how quickly I caught on. She was quite comfortable in the passenger's seat letting me take us all throughout the county and neighboring towns.

So, the other night when headed back to work, I couldn't help but start thinking and doing a self-examination when the woman in the car facing me started shaking her head at me like I had done something terribly wrong. She had a green light, but the turning arrow had disappeared, meaning she had a signal to yield to the oncoming traffic: ME. I was the traffic with the right-of-way. However, she was determined to cross over traffic and had I not slowed myself there surely would have been an accident. I had to put on brakes and offer her the completion of her turn, as she stared me down and offered choice words.

For a moment I felt the need to throw up my hands, honk, and make some gestures to her about looking at the lights; however, my spirit was calmed. I stopped. What if her signal was still showing she had the right-of-way? The car behind her had appeared anxious to turn as well. Was I doing something wrong? No...the cars behind me were continuing as well...How often in life do we miss or misread signals? And, in misinterpreting the signals, are we then shunned, not forgiven or dismissed completely?

Daily, I am in a role where I have to be able to read signals to help resolve conflicts. Those signs help me determine the approach. And, no two situations are typically alike.

I also know that I'm one those who at times falls short of always following the signs that have been put so blatantly and clearly before us to get us safely to our destination. My impatience gets the best of me. Or, I am so caught up in my own thoughts, I neglect paying attention because the route is so routine. In my negligence, I don't want to miss the "signs" planted before me for detours, nor do I want to overlook the scenery because I'm so rushed.

What should have been an annoyance and irritant to me, became a blessing. On the literal level, I was kept from what could have been a bad situation. On a more figurative level, I brought to some revelations on life and reminded that the fast lane doesn't always mean I will make it to the finish line and come out the best.

Cruising. On a Sunday afternoon...and I'll work to be a better cruiser in more areas of my life.

DayLIFE Saving Time

The second Sunday in March is the start of Daylight Saving Time for North America. At 2 A.M., we lose an hour of sleep; however, our days become longer in that we have more daylight.

While I hated losing an hour, it is nice to begin leaving out of work with it still appearing to be light outside. This past week will not really count for me since I had to keep later hours in preparation for testing with our eighth graders. And, I cannot stress how glad I am that we do not have to do anymore major testing until May...Yes, it is right around the corner, but I've got a little time. Allow me to enjoy it.

This innovative idea of daylight saving first began with Benjamin Franklin. He created an essay to discuss his thoughts, but not much was really done with the concept. Later, the argument would be propelled by William Willett who created pamphlets to explain to people how they were wasting daylight--particularly during the Spring and Summer months.

So, in my studying and quiet time with God, the concept struck me: DayLIFE Saving.

In this season of Lent and giving up something--in my case the television--we are to insert time of prayer and study in to draw closer to Him. Yes, there is sacrifice involved, but the benefits are worthwhile. I dread the loss of an hour, but appreciate the gaining of lighter, longer evenings. Similarly, I have in some ways dreaded the loss of those things that I have given up for this period of 40 days, but I have truly been blessed with the LIFE saving nuggets of wisdom God has graced me with over the last couple of weeks.

Small moments of time with him are so much greater in the end. I am growing, learning, and better realizing more effective ways to use my time. More so, I am more caught up in remembering powerful verses and positive words that speak to me during the more stressful moments of life. My intake is good although I still need to work on my eating habits!

When you start putting in, you'll stop stressing out (Psalm 71). Meditate on that.

Now, it is off to another exciting week of work. I must get myself ready for rest!