Okay. I have a headache that is causing me to squint...Is that the word I want, "squint"??? UGH...pain...much pain.
All right, this is a brief entry. It's a reflection for self growth and later reflecting. You know, metacognitive?
No, really, I am going to get it out! The thought for the day--or question, rather, is: Do you ever do the right thing but still feel guilty about it?
The response to the question was, "Sucks, doesn't it?" However, I think it does not...depending on how you choose to deal with it...
Tonight I took a stance on something that has truly been giving me restless nights. In my spiritual convictions and values, my spirit and flesh were in battle. My flesh almost won, but thank God for the prayers of my spiritual partner for the week. I know she's had my back. I was faithful, honest about the areas where I need to grow, and I know she has truly been praying on my behalf. So, it was no coincidence that a good friend of mine was determined to stay on me today. While she doesn't know anything about my prayer partner or any of my personal battles, she was persistent in taking time to speak with me today. When we couldn't fit in a lunch outing, she called three times until we were both free and no longer playing tag. We talked the issue out and she helped me in focusing my feelings and making a sound choice.
The guilt I'll live with if it means a blessing will be delivered in the end. Positive consequences, people!
Call this entry a praise report. Just know that I am excited for the move of faithfulness. It's a huge step, and He knows it.
I'm out!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
o8.o8.o8 ~ the olympics
We read about Super Heroes in comic books. You know, Incredible Hulk, Batman, Spiderman? In the theatres, Will Smith just did an amazing film based on a Super Hero, Hancock. While it'll likely not win any awards, its plot is certainly one that any literary fanatic could appreciate; I would love to use it in teaching a course.
This year's Olympics are in Beijing, and tonight Michael Phelps of Baltimore, Maryland, broke a huge record, winning EIGHT gold medals. Surely our athletes are as close to Super Hero stardom as it gets. Watching the competitions are amazing. Different ages, events, ethnicities, backgrounds...The theme of the Olympics being "One World One Dream." My hat goes off to athletes, watching their strength and talents.
I'm typically one to frown at the amount of money we're willing to put in going to NBA and NFL games and purchasing jerseys or shoes. It amazes me how we pay athletes more than we pay educators; however, in watching this week's showcase of events, I'm forced to pause and praise the good. These are people doing something powerful and for that I have to get excited and celebrate. Our youth need positive encounters with those tapping into their passions and purposes.
I'll end with a quote that came from Dara Torres, "Don't put an age limit on your dreams."
Meanwhile, a Jamaican sprinter has just broken times that are like video game fast. (sigh) Truly amazing...9.69 was the time...Usain Bolt, you go boy!!!
This year's Olympics are in Beijing, and tonight Michael Phelps of Baltimore, Maryland, broke a huge record, winning EIGHT gold medals. Surely our athletes are as close to Super Hero stardom as it gets. Watching the competitions are amazing. Different ages, events, ethnicities, backgrounds...The theme of the Olympics being "One World One Dream." My hat goes off to athletes, watching their strength and talents.
I'm typically one to frown at the amount of money we're willing to put in going to NBA and NFL games and purchasing jerseys or shoes. It amazes me how we pay athletes more than we pay educators; however, in watching this week's showcase of events, I'm forced to pause and praise the good. These are people doing something powerful and for that I have to get excited and celebrate. Our youth need positive encounters with those tapping into their passions and purposes.
I'll end with a quote that came from Dara Torres, "Don't put an age limit on your dreams."
Meanwhile, a Jamaican sprinter has just broken times that are like video game fast. (sigh) Truly amazing...9.69 was the time...Usain Bolt, you go boy!!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
'Nun' on the Love Boat
Does he like me? Can he hang with my family & friends? Can I take him around my colleagues? What do we have in common? Am I in like, lust, or infactuation? Is he marriage material? Does he understand my work? Does he know my name? Am I ready to settle down? Am I just too picky?
More often than not I find these questions popping up all over the place. I usually try to fight the feeling, focusing on my spiritual walk, work, and anything else that can keep me from flirting with temptation. Unfortunately, I am human, meaning flesh gives in and the strong desires of my heart leave me going back into the war zone of dating in search of that special someone. I usually act too fast, figure it out in the midst, and walk away being hurt or being the one to do the hurting. The routine gets old fast, and you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now. Sadly, we're all mistaken!
When I travel the road of the single life, doing my thing, some people look at me like I have three heads. They question me and want to know my reasons for not having someone in my life: What's wrong with you? They try to determine why I am not sad and sitting around sobbing or out there in search like some mad hunter that must get its prey. I think I've covered this topic in another entry (smile).
I am at an age where I feel I am surrounded by many who have found love, are married, have families and are intoxicated in the concept of two lives now being one. I became excited tonight when even my pastor announced his own engagement, but couldn't help think that even my dear pastor's found that "special" someone. Am I not showing up at the right places???
It comes down to priorities (and God's timing of course). I need to determine what I want. The last few guys I have dated have informed me that my priority is not on my love life and getting married but on work and getting my professional goals out of the way. I see their points.
So tonight as I type I realize I have decisions to make. I had vowed to "kiss dating goodbye" until I was truly committed to the idea of a commitment that could open the door to more. The well certainly isn't dry, so I have to face that question of: what are you waiting for? Admittedly, there is fear. However, I am not putting this entry down for solicited advice or words of encouragement. It's more of a confirmation to self of what is in store on the road ahead. Decisions to make...
On a side, I love the quiet walk my pastor has taken in this courtship and now public announcement. It's a short engagement with a marriage that will occur this Saturday including only the most important people in their lives to share in the event. Understandably, I know this is not his first marriage so perhaps it makes sense not to have something big; however, the courtship has been one that has made its own developments without a scene, acknowledging its time and presence. I love it, and it makes me joyous on so many levels. These actions have helped me in my own personal growth. I joke that I will get married in Las Vegas and just pop up one day to casually share my great news. There is truth in joking. And, it's certainly not to down play the blessing of the event, but I know there's more to this crazy thought of mine than I let on...
In closing, the love boat's a'rockin' & this nun is trying hard not to get tossed into the sea of NONE. (LOL!)
More often than not I find these questions popping up all over the place. I usually try to fight the feeling, focusing on my spiritual walk, work, and anything else that can keep me from flirting with temptation. Unfortunately, I am human, meaning flesh gives in and the strong desires of my heart leave me going back into the war zone of dating in search of that special someone. I usually act too fast, figure it out in the midst, and walk away being hurt or being the one to do the hurting. The routine gets old fast, and you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now. Sadly, we're all mistaken!
When I travel the road of the single life, doing my thing, some people look at me like I have three heads. They question me and want to know my reasons for not having someone in my life: What's wrong with you? They try to determine why I am not sad and sitting around sobbing or out there in search like some mad hunter that must get its prey. I think I've covered this topic in another entry (smile).
I am at an age where I feel I am surrounded by many who have found love, are married, have families and are intoxicated in the concept of two lives now being one. I became excited tonight when even my pastor announced his own engagement, but couldn't help think that even my dear pastor's found that "special" someone. Am I not showing up at the right places???
It comes down to priorities (and God's timing of course). I need to determine what I want. The last few guys I have dated have informed me that my priority is not on my love life and getting married but on work and getting my professional goals out of the way. I see their points.
So tonight as I type I realize I have decisions to make. I had vowed to "kiss dating goodbye" until I was truly committed to the idea of a commitment that could open the door to more. The well certainly isn't dry, so I have to face that question of: what are you waiting for? Admittedly, there is fear. However, I am not putting this entry down for solicited advice or words of encouragement. It's more of a confirmation to self of what is in store on the road ahead. Decisions to make...
On a side, I love the quiet walk my pastor has taken in this courtship and now public announcement. It's a short engagement with a marriage that will occur this Saturday including only the most important people in their lives to share in the event. Understandably, I know this is not his first marriage so perhaps it makes sense not to have something big; however, the courtship has been one that has made its own developments without a scene, acknowledging its time and presence. I love it, and it makes me joyous on so many levels. These actions have helped me in my own personal growth. I joke that I will get married in Las Vegas and just pop up one day to casually share my great news. There is truth in joking. And, it's certainly not to down play the blessing of the event, but I know there's more to this crazy thought of mine than I let on...
In closing, the love boat's a'rockin' & this nun is trying hard not to get tossed into the sea of NONE. (LOL!)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
One Too Many Times...
You can tell me all you'd like that it's about heritage and that it's no big thing, but every time I see the confederate flag I am reminded of a history that destroyed people that look like me and still find us inferior. So you can imagine how I've been feeling a little more recently with the showings of this sign of "heritage."
Don't get me wrong. I grew up in a town where kids I walked down the hall with, ate with, laughed with wore such shirts. They rocked the sign on their monster trucks and were affectionately known as (proud) rednecks. I didn't feel hate, per se. But I tried never to make an issue of it either...And I was not alone. It was what it was.
This weekend I was intentionally enjoying idle time, watching a little trash television with wholesome naps in between. If you recall, my "trash" t.v. is that good ol' reality stuff. There's this show on cable where young ppl are engaged and getting married. In 30 minutes viewers watch the drama from the family and complications/obstables of the couple as they prepare to marry. This particular episode was a live show with the couple getting married in Times Square. They had done some taping prior to the show and were flashing to their homes when in the background of one shot I see this HUGE confederate flag pinned up on the wall. And, I have one of those "ah ha" moments: Why on earth am I watching this? Supporting these two that have likely used the "N" word and don't know anything about people that look like me...and likely don't want to know...
I turned the channel disgusted and Lifetime became the channel for the weekend. Well, on Monday evening I'm feeling awfully good about my craving for salad. I drive over to Chick-fil-A and get one of their garden salads. As I am pulling out, I am now behind this tight two seater, but clear as day is not one but TWO confederate flag bumper stickers. I become mad with a quickness. WTF???!!! I don't cuss people...really I don't. So feeling this way I knew I needed to calm it down. Luckily, my cell phone rang and I was able to vent and pour out to bring it down -- Thanks, friend!
Anyway, it's kept me in a most reflective mood, and I'm all the more sensitive to everything I see and hear. To end this entry, I leave you with two different links that put a spin or perspective on some things. There is a lot more I want to type just in scratching the surface on youth--black youth--and this topic; however, I must give more than a surface scratching so it'll have to wait for another evening and entry...No fear: it'll come. If not on here, definitely on that dissertation that will give me the title Doctor! LOL...Chew on that.
NOTE: Both of these links are graphic in language and/or content.
Link 1 - O'Reilly's Throwing a Lynching Party:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/star-jones/bill-oreillys-throwing-_b_88115.html?page=10
Link 2 - Abolish the "N" Word
http://www.abolishthenword.com/
Friday, July 25, 2008
Highway to Heaven...or so it seems...
Well, this spring and summer have kept me particularly busy on the weekends...so much that I have been neglecting being in my church on Sundays, Wednesdays, or any other time of the week. I've been in other churches or traveling on Sundays, and I have found myself feeling like a stranger when I enter the parking lot of my church.
In fact, about three weeks ago when I happened to be at my church, one of the women I know looked at me and said, "Hey, you used to work with the cheerleaders, right? You've stopped attending church here. Where are you now?"
I was speechless for a moment, but then explained that I was still a member, but I lived a few towns over with work and travel taking some of my time that had normally been given with the church. It was enough to appease her, but it did not sit well with me. While I love that I attend a large church where I don't get called out or feel like I have to volunteer for every little event, I want to feel like I have a church family that knows what is going on with me--and me them.
My church is about 30 minutes away and gas prices have certainly put a damper on my joy rides across Hampton Roads to worship God. When Vacation Bible School time came, I was just not willing to put in the drive--not after working a 10 hour day and did I mention gas prices? Sadly, my time off from my church has left me praying and reflecting on what I am going to do: to travel and pay gas or not to? That is the question.
When I was in college, I attended a church in town that I enjoyed. The pastor was great, and they had wonderful members. Being a college kiddo, it was great having their support; they watched out for me. The pastor still keeps up with me, and I know I can call on him when I need to talk to someone about things going on in my life. I slowly stopped attending because I felt like I was not getting enough with the message. Soon I began searching for another place to attend and joined the church where I am a member now when my godsister, who was a member, invited me. The church met my needs on a variety of levels. I was going through a major storm in my life that I wanted to be able to deal with without being around those that knew me and could see me at moment of weakness. The church helped largely in my healing process, and I still love it. I just wish I could be there more frequently to serve regularly in a ministry and feel like I was in true fellowship with other believers.
Since being a resident in my current location for 10 years, I have been able to visit and get out to more churches. There is one church where many of my closest friends attend, and I've found myself there more often. The members are so kind and they've had me to participate in their services for a variety of things. I know the students because most of them have attended schools where I've worked or volunteered. They are like family and I've taken to them...I am just not convinced that I want to jump and switch up membership.
This week I even found myself attending their Vacation Bible School. I was not a stranger or just some outsider. I was able to go in to a class and really enjoy the lessons being taught. It was like being home. I know they're praying for my family and for me to come join them *smile*...We'll see...I just know that with gas prices and the cost of living going up something will have to give. My time and energy at work prevent from being able to jump in the car and just travel down the highway; I have to be able to get my spiritual growth.
Perhaps I need to heed my pastor's words that when we move to a new location we find a place to shop, get groceries, work, etc. So, just as we find those things, it is imperative that we also locate a church. I'll keep praying and will see what will happen.
In fact, about three weeks ago when I happened to be at my church, one of the women I know looked at me and said, "Hey, you used to work with the cheerleaders, right? You've stopped attending church here. Where are you now?"
I was speechless for a moment, but then explained that I was still a member, but I lived a few towns over with work and travel taking some of my time that had normally been given with the church. It was enough to appease her, but it did not sit well with me. While I love that I attend a large church where I don't get called out or feel like I have to volunteer for every little event, I want to feel like I have a church family that knows what is going on with me--and me them.
My church is about 30 minutes away and gas prices have certainly put a damper on my joy rides across Hampton Roads to worship God. When Vacation Bible School time came, I was just not willing to put in the drive--not after working a 10 hour day and did I mention gas prices? Sadly, my time off from my church has left me praying and reflecting on what I am going to do: to travel and pay gas or not to? That is the question.
When I was in college, I attended a church in town that I enjoyed. The pastor was great, and they had wonderful members. Being a college kiddo, it was great having their support; they watched out for me. The pastor still keeps up with me, and I know I can call on him when I need to talk to someone about things going on in my life. I slowly stopped attending because I felt like I was not getting enough with the message. Soon I began searching for another place to attend and joined the church where I am a member now when my godsister, who was a member, invited me. The church met my needs on a variety of levels. I was going through a major storm in my life that I wanted to be able to deal with without being around those that knew me and could see me at moment of weakness. The church helped largely in my healing process, and I still love it. I just wish I could be there more frequently to serve regularly in a ministry and feel like I was in true fellowship with other believers.
Since being a resident in my current location for 10 years, I have been able to visit and get out to more churches. There is one church where many of my closest friends attend, and I've found myself there more often. The members are so kind and they've had me to participate in their services for a variety of things. I know the students because most of them have attended schools where I've worked or volunteered. They are like family and I've taken to them...I am just not convinced that I want to jump and switch up membership.
This week I even found myself attending their Vacation Bible School. I was not a stranger or just some outsider. I was able to go in to a class and really enjoy the lessons being taught. It was like being home. I know they're praying for my family and for me to come join them *smile*...We'll see...I just know that with gas prices and the cost of living going up something will have to give. My time and energy at work prevent from being able to jump in the car and just travel down the highway; I have to be able to get my spiritual growth.
Perhaps I need to heed my pastor's words that when we move to a new location we find a place to shop, get groceries, work, etc. So, just as we find those things, it is imperative that we also locate a church. I'll keep praying and will see what will happen.
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