Does he like me? Can he hang with my family & friends? Can I take him around my colleagues? What do we have in common? Am I in like, lust, or infactuation? Is he marriage material? Does he understand my work? Does he know my name? Am I ready to settle down? Am I just too picky?
More often than not I find these questions popping up all over the place. I usually try to fight the feeling, focusing on my spiritual walk, work, and anything else that can keep me from flirting with temptation. Unfortunately, I am human, meaning flesh gives in and the strong desires of my heart leave me going back into the war zone of dating in search of that special someone. I usually act too fast, figure it out in the midst, and walk away being hurt or being the one to do the hurting. The routine gets old fast, and you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now. Sadly, we're all mistaken!
When I travel the road of the single life, doing my thing, some people look at me like I have three heads. They question me and want to know my reasons for not having someone in my life: What's wrong with you? They try to determine why I am not sad and sitting around sobbing or out there in search like some mad hunter that must get its prey. I think I've covered this topic in another entry (smile).
I am at an age where I feel I am surrounded by many who have found love, are married, have families and are intoxicated in the concept of two lives now being one. I became excited tonight when even my pastor announced his own engagement, but couldn't help think that even my dear pastor's found that "special" someone. Am I not showing up at the right places???
It comes down to priorities (and God's timing of course). I need to determine what I want. The last few guys I have dated have informed me that my priority is not on my love life and getting married but on work and getting my professional goals out of the way. I see their points.
So tonight as I type I realize I have decisions to make. I had vowed to "kiss dating goodbye" until I was truly committed to the idea of a commitment that could open the door to more. The well certainly isn't dry, so I have to face that question of: what are you waiting for? Admittedly, there is fear. However, I am not putting this entry down for solicited advice or words of encouragement. It's more of a confirmation to self of what is in store on the road ahead. Decisions to make...
On a side, I love the quiet walk my pastor has taken in this courtship and now public announcement. It's a short engagement with a marriage that will occur this Saturday including only the most important people in their lives to share in the event. Understandably, I know this is not his first marriage so perhaps it makes sense not to have something big; however, the courtship has been one that has made its own developments without a scene, acknowledging its time and presence. I love it, and it makes me joyous on so many levels. These actions have helped me in my own personal growth. I joke that I will get married in Las Vegas and just pop up one day to casually share my great news. There is truth in joking. And, it's certainly not to down play the blessing of the event, but I know there's more to this crazy thought of mine than I let on...
In closing, the love boat's a'rockin' & this nun is trying hard not to get tossed into the sea of NONE. (LOL!)
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