Home is...

No matter how old I get or how many years go by, returning home offers a sense of peace that calms me. When I hit my exit from the interstate, familiarity breathes into my spirit and memories from my youth fill my head. I come home to the smells of what home has always smelled like. I sleep in my "big girl's bed" and the slumber is good. I rest. I relax. I take a break from life's struggles, obstacles and problems. The solitude and unstructured schedule allow me the time needed to refocus and remember that I can make it.

Home brings me back to people in my life who mean so much to me and make me smile. My church family embraces me, my godson runs to my arms, my friends grow and have families that they share with me. The pace of things is fast, yet on time. I drive the town and am astonished by how what was one time farm land is now area shops and highways. Parents of childhood friends take in stories from the past, but we share new stories of the present. I am home.

While I often joke that I could never move back and permanently make this a place of residence, I am always moved by how refreshed and happy I am made during my visits.

Home is where the heart is. On this Easter weekend, I give thanks for these moments in time where friendships are rekindled, special times with mom are received, and quiet moments of thinking are given.

There's nothing like a winding country road with a setting sun. God, I love home.

Chess, A Game Fit for a King

Most of you followers of my blog know me well enough by now to know that I couldn't allow Passion Week to go by without pulling the trump card, some profound thought or epiphany. Not that this is a game for me--given my latter phrase--but words hadn't come to me until last night at church and then bright and early this glorious AM, a day many in the world recognize as Maundy Thursday.

(Work with me and my play on words, which may come off a bit punchy--the title of this piece is after all referring to a game. Although I am not absent from the fact that it's gosh darn early and I should be sleeping like normal people. Instead, the Lord saw fit for me to awaken, giving me a word or two.)

Now, again I ask you to bear with me for a moment as I prepare to shed some light on the game of chess; it's necessary in getting to my point. (SIDE: My brothers continuously have to teach me how to play chess. They're both great players. I think if I played it regularly or had that much of an interest I could be good at it; however, it's always been a game of confusion to me, but many of the men in my life who are dear to me are good chess players. I admire the skill and talent!) SO...This is what the U.S. Chess Federation has to say about a "checkmate":

"The King is the most important piece. When he is trapped, his whole army loses. The King can move one square in any direction. (An exception is 'castling,' a special move that lets a player move two pieces at once--the King and one Rook.) The King may never move into check--that is, onto a square attacked by an opponent's piece...The main goal of chess is to checkmate your opponent's King. The King is not actually captured and removed from the board like other pieces. But if the King is attacked ('checked') and threatened with capture, it must get out of check immediately. If there is no way to get out of check, the position is a 'checkmate,' and the side that is checkmated loses."

I hope you're beginning to read between the lines and formulate the concept or point I'm about to make. Last night at my church's Spring Revival, the speaker for the week, made reference to a painting. It was not his focal point; in fact, he could have gone without mentioning it and still had a powerful message. I'm an avid note taker and try not to miss a beat--there was INDEED purpose for this subtle reference. I came home last night to research it more and stumbled across the picture/painting, which is titled "Checkmate! The King Has One More Move" by Patricia Hulsey. I found a blog that beautifully captures some of the history of sermons and biblical texts that have used this painting as the talking point: http://lmlk.blogspot.com/2007/09/checkmate.html.

In closing, I suppose the greatest theme that has been a recurring theme during my journey of 40 days is the concept of service. When I began my "fasting" season of giving up my items for these 6 weeks, I had my list of items that I was ready to get revelations and blessings. If you recall, last year I refused to give up the television because I couldn't miss "A Raisin in the Sun." This year I gave up the television (amongst other things), and I've done REALLY well. I did have one major moment of weakness, having to see the last episode of The Bachelor when even the internet media was making a huge to do over how things would play out...AND, for the first two weeks, I had to wean myself from the concept or idea of just the habit, so I'd pop in a DVD, justifying that it was not the same thing...WELL, it takes 21 days (researchers say) to develop a habit. Succcessfully, I have broken the habit. I won't lie; I can't wait 'til the 40 days are over...I miss my t.v.! BUT, seriously though, back to SERVICE...

Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of giving his life because of his compassion for us and our sinful ways. If you've ever read the biblical accounts and historical events leading up to what Christians recognize as Resurrection Sunday, you will see the amount of hate and wickedness displayed by humanity. The people thought they had Jesus, but, if we picture this like a game of chess, God had one more move!

I'm trying to work better at showing strength when under the pressure of man. I no longer avoid conflict as much as I used to. However, in facing issues, I will at times try to appease people at the expense of right---this lack of courage also exudes lack of consistency. My promise is to deny myself daily in order to take up my cross daily (Luke 9:23-24). And, I cannot go wrong, because ALL things work for the good of those who love, trust, and obey Him. He will ALWAYS get the last move.

My issues & problems = checkmate!

Putting aside all things on my list of God to address, the BIGGEST blessing came in his putting the mirror to my face, revealing all I have to continue working toward. I desire to be a reflection of the Son's Light, which will drive me from the walks through darkness.

I am inspired, refreshed, revived, keenly aware that "a workman is worthy of his hire." I am his workman!

Peeps!

Everyone has some type of guilty pleasure, and one of mine just happens to be Peeps. There was nothing better than having to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn for Sunrise Service knowing the Easter Bunny had made his visit, leaving me an awesome basket of goodies, including peeps. Though I dreaded making my way to church so early, I could look forward to playing with the fun items in my basket and eating all that sugary stuff. It's one of those few items that takes me to the happy place of my youth, and I didn't realize how much I loved Peeps until I had gone without visits from the Easter Bunny years after no longer living with my mom. When I was reunited with the yum marshmellow treat, I was an immediate fan (again) and have been ever since.

I made the mistake of telling my colleagues how much I love Peeps last year. I should mention that I have the BEST people on earth to work with! They look out for and spoil me. However, in revealing my affection and love for this fun candy item, I've found myself in Peeps overload. Who knew they now made peeps for EVERY holiday??? I got Halloween peeps, Valentine ones, St. Paddy's Day, and now Easter...Just looking at the boxes before me make me a little sick on the stomach...I have been getting so many that I had to start giving them away to the special little children in my life. "Here comes Auntie Swann with more Peeps!" The kids were happy; the parents not so much...

So, in honor of its original holiday, this entry is a special tribute to Peeps! I have 6 boxes before me that I must begin to break in and am praying I won't become diabetic or go into a coma.

Happy Easter!

Spring Break

It only comes once a year, and you want to use it wisely without over or under doing any of the free moments and days given. I can't believe it's already Tuesday. How did we get to this point?!?

This morning I allowed myself the chance to sleep in a bit. I upped, showered, and got dressed after my phone blasted me with morning texts and email messages. I made my way to work with a pep in step and ready to tackle the few tasks on my to-do list for my last day in the office. I was somewhat successful, but the reality is my mind kept wandering...

Perhaps, I am in one of those arrogant, presumptuous seasons right now. I have an urge to be bold and act. I have had these inklings before. Typically, to act or jump on doing the thing that is in mind, I find there is some success in the outcome; however, the anxiety or reserve in me is screaming "NO, K! Absolutely not! Sit back and just be still."

Not my will, but His.

I suppose I want something badly. I want it and I want to begin living (again) today. I have been denying my flesh in so many ways over the last 40 days in pursuit of certain things in my life. I diligently sought God in gaining understanding about things.

With much anticipation I have waited for this final week, Passion or Holy Week, knowing something would come from it. So, last night at church the pastor spoke on celebration in pain. I know when I move into the point of my celebration, there will be some pain that will come.

No pain. No gain...Didn't I use these words in another entry not so long ago???

Glutton for Punishment, Perhaps?

As I traveled through the valleys and mountains on Saturday headed to a friend/colleague's wedding, I was engulfed with memories of him. The last time I had traveled that route I was with him and hating every moment of the long trip, which could have easily been traveled taking the interstate. It's been years, yet suddenly a sadness came over me and I missed him. I wondered "what ifs" and it was everything in me to avoid having one of those heart-to-hearts during my travels with God about why I was having one of these moments.

I ended things abruptly, preparing for graduate school and knowing that given the past and multitude of confusion and inconsistencies I needed to end things and take time for me. It was sad and hard for us both. Granted, things weren't perfect; it appeared now that all of my inadequacies over that time were surfacing. I saw my faults and how totally difficult I was to be around during that season.

To complicate this whole ordeal, I had to fuss at myself for a moment. Here I was en route to a wedding without the current person I am dating and thinking about someone else...Sigh. I am finding that the older I get, the pickier I am about who I date. It can be anything, but I don't think I am tripping. Really! If "love" or a "spark" hasn't surfaced in the first few months it's likely not going to manifest itself. I think what is most concerning is I have met some really good men. They have jobs, love God, want to be faithful, and are willing to give their time...BUT for whatever reason the feelings just are not mutual. I am present (physically) but my emotions are distant and removed.

One of the major areas of reflection and prayer this season has been relationship(s). God knows my heart and desires. He has brought the right people during this period to talk with me and reveal things. I think I have tried reading the signs, rearranging the signals, and at times just ducking and dodging. However, when you seek Him for something, He will respond.

I complicate my "love" life often and become overwhelmed or guilty when I feel I am in too deep...or even when I'm not in that deep. Who wants to hurt feelings? As a result, I find myself keeping isolated and distant to avoid heartbreak or being the heartbreaker. On another note, though, I have to trust that I am walking willfully in the right direction when I choose to step out of early courtships. The earlier out, the less it hurts (I hope).

So, the idiom "glutton for punishment" rushes through my head as I dealt with the thoughts of this past weekend during my morning prayers and devotions. I'm asking God for something and praying that the request is one that is truly based on the time spent being obedient and steadfast over these 40 days. Either way I know He won't lead me astray.