Glutton for Punishment, Perhaps?

As I traveled through the valleys and mountains on Saturday headed to a friend/colleague's wedding, I was engulfed with memories of him. The last time I had traveled that route I was with him and hating every moment of the long trip, which could have easily been traveled taking the interstate. It's been years, yet suddenly a sadness came over me and I missed him. I wondered "what ifs" and it was everything in me to avoid having one of those heart-to-hearts during my travels with God about why I was having one of these moments.

I ended things abruptly, preparing for graduate school and knowing that given the past and multitude of confusion and inconsistencies I needed to end things and take time for me. It was sad and hard for us both. Granted, things weren't perfect; it appeared now that all of my inadequacies over that time were surfacing. I saw my faults and how totally difficult I was to be around during that season.

To complicate this whole ordeal, I had to fuss at myself for a moment. Here I was en route to a wedding without the current person I am dating and thinking about someone else...Sigh. I am finding that the older I get, the pickier I am about who I date. It can be anything, but I don't think I am tripping. Really! If "love" or a "spark" hasn't surfaced in the first few months it's likely not going to manifest itself. I think what is most concerning is I have met some really good men. They have jobs, love God, want to be faithful, and are willing to give their time...BUT for whatever reason the feelings just are not mutual. I am present (physically) but my emotions are distant and removed.

One of the major areas of reflection and prayer this season has been relationship(s). God knows my heart and desires. He has brought the right people during this period to talk with me and reveal things. I think I have tried reading the signs, rearranging the signals, and at times just ducking and dodging. However, when you seek Him for something, He will respond.

I complicate my "love" life often and become overwhelmed or guilty when I feel I am in too deep...or even when I'm not in that deep. Who wants to hurt feelings? As a result, I find myself keeping isolated and distant to avoid heartbreak or being the heartbreaker. On another note, though, I have to trust that I am walking willfully in the right direction when I choose to step out of early courtships. The earlier out, the less it hurts (I hope).

So, the idiom "glutton for punishment" rushes through my head as I dealt with the thoughts of this past weekend during my morning prayers and devotions. I'm asking God for something and praying that the request is one that is truly based on the time spent being obedient and steadfast over these 40 days. Either way I know He won't lead me astray.